How to avoid your parents' parenting pitfalls

Ann Treacy’s mom was a hands-off parent. A divorcee from a privileged background, her mother didn’t have a job, and had a maid to take care of the family home and cater to her four daughters.

“I was the fourth, so she really turned a blind eye to me,” says Treacy, of Fairport, N.Y.

Because of how she was raised, Treacy was determined to do thing differently when raising her own children—a son and daughter, now 20 and 17 years old.

“I was definitely hands-on,” she says. “My daughter and I have a really close relationship, and I didn’t have that with my mom.”

Just like your mother

Your parenting style can’t help but be influenced by the people who raised you. While some people model what their parents did, others completely ditch their ideas. And Texas-based psychologist Carl Pickhardt says the age-old nature vs. nurture debate is definitely at play.

“We get in a dance with our parents,” he says. “We dance the child part, and when we grow up, we slip into the parent part with our child.”

Whether we follow our parents’ lead or choose a new path, we must accept the fact that no parent is perfect. You might resent your parents for what you see as their failures, but be realistic about them, and yourself.

“All parenting is incomplete,” Pickhardt says. “No parent is going to nurture all sides of you. Everyone comes out of adolescence with something they don’t like.”

You can decide to “fix it,” but that might not be so easy, as some personality traits can be difficult to shed. Pickhardt says if your parent was always critical of you, you might find yourself acting similarly, even though you always hated that.

“You can adopt the behavior that you didn’t want to have,” he says.

Start from scratch

If you want to be a better parent and leave behind negative traits, that’s a great place to start. “First, take responsibility for the hand you were dealt, and that you do have a choice on how to play that hand,” Pickhardt says.

Ironically, it is something each person learns as he or she reaches adulthood and begins to make their own decisions.

To be the parent you want to be, drop the blame, and work to develop the characteristics you prefer.

“Your parents gave you two models: how to be and how not to be,” he says. “Embrace the good, and take the stuff that was not so good and keep it out.”

Progress, not perfection

Keeping out the not-so-good stuff wasn’t difficult for Treacy, who says her children often remind her that she’s “nothing like” her parents. Her mother rarely attended games or school events, and believed children should be seen, but not heard.

“My generation really partook in kids’ activities. I did a lot of art projects, hikes and adventures with my kids,” she says. “I don’t know if it was a conscious decision, but (rather) a generational one. The decade I was raised in was just different.”

Today’s parents are much more focused on parenting decisions, Pickhardt says, so they’re already ahead of the game.

Develop your unique style, and allow yourself to enjoy the ride. 

“There’s not one general way to parent a child,” he says. “I love the complexities of parenting. There’s so much creativity you can bring to parenting, and a lot of problem solving.”