Communicate upfront with kids to help them deal with tragedy

When Ann Jurik got a phone call from her son’s school in October 2013, she was shocked and heart broken.

She learned one of Ryan’s classmates had died suddenly, and she had to share the news with her 7-year-old.

“The school left it to the parents to tell the children,” says Jurik, of Oak Forest, Ill. “I was so very shocked that this happened, and I felt so bad for the parents of this little girl. No parent ever wants to lose a child.”

And no parent wants to tell their children this kind of unfortunate news. But you can find ways to approach trauma and tragedies, so kids can better understand and cope with the loss.

Talk—but not too much

Psychiatrist David Reiss helped residents of Newtown, Conn., after a gunman killed 20 children and six staff members at Sandy Hook Elementary School in December 2012. First and foremost, he says, parents must be caring and honest when communicating about any kind of loss. They also need to be conscientious about how much their child has the capacity to understand.

“Know your child,” he says. “Don’t give them more information than they’re asking for, and keep it appropriate to their age and level of maturity. Start at a general level, and go as detailed as they want.”

Jurik says her son Ryan was “very angry” to learn of his classmate’s passing, but they worked through the emotion by talking about it as a family. “I just kept talking to him, and we hugged a lot,” she says.

Jurik’s open dialog and compassion is exactly what Reiss recommends for all parents. “Be there for your kids, observe them, and be honest,” he says.

Help for everyone

If your child isn’t upfront about his emotions, pay close attention to him and ask some general questions to incite a conversation.

And if he doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s OK, too. Just make sure his behavior or mood hasn’t dramatically changed, which could be a red flag.

“It’s normal to be out of sorts, but if it’s disruptive and affecting school, sports and other activities, seek help,” Reiss says. “If they seem violent or suicidal, seek help immediately. You don’t want to play games with guessing.”

Often parents struggle with their own fears and emotions during a tragedy, so consider asking someone else to talk with your child. Maybe it’s a friend or teacher who has a trusting relationship with them.

“The last thing you want to do is have them pick up on your fear,” Reiss says. “If you as a parent are anxious or fearful, enlist someone else.”

‘Uncharted territory’

As much as parents want to shield their children, understand that kids learn about tragedies easily, often through social media.

“Parents can’t monitor all the messages their children are getting,” he says, adding that the social media effect is “uncharted territory” for psychiatrists and communities.

When Reiss was in Newtown just days after the event, he talked to a high school teacher whose classroom found out about the shooting through a text message received by one of the students.

“He had a whole classroom of panicked students. We don’t know how to deal with that,” he says.

One important overarching message, Reiss says, is assuring children that tragedies are uncommon, not regular events.

“We want the child to have a reasonable perspective that this is not something that’s going to happen every day,” he says.