'Tis the Season to Manage Grief

The holiday season, for all its hype to be merry and bright, is an emotional affair. For those who have suffered the loss of a loved one, grief can feel particularly acute during this time, no matter when the loss occurred.  

Understanding what grief is, as well as its process, can help.

Feel the Good

Grief is typically associated with intense feelings of sadness, heartache and even melancholy. A person may carry deep-rooted anger and helplessness. None of these are associated with feel-good emotions, but a sense of grief can be indicative of positive emotional health.

“Grief means we carry with us the ability to love another person, that there is depth to one’s value system and awareness of the richness of relationships,” explains Pamela Garber, therapist and licensed mental health counselor with Grand Central Counseling Group in New York City.

According to Garber, attachment is a prerequisite for grief. Being invested in another being and experiencing love are indicators that a person is living life in a meaningful way.

Resolution is Key

While grief can indicate that a person feels the full spectrum of emotions, staying in grief indefinitely is problematic. Unresolved grief accumulates over time, like a habit. People, Garber explains, get comfortable with what’s familiar. She warns that eventually, grieving becomes a way of life.

“Sadness and sorrow become a personal culture,” Garber says.

The barometer for measuring resolution, according to Garber, is how a person is living their whole life. For instance, she points out that accepting sadness and sitting alone can be helpful, but too much isolation can be detrimental. She feels a signal of resolution is when grief can be incorporated into life in a positive way, when a person is appreciating and recognizing the preciousness of life’s regular moments in a way that might be different than before their loss.

Handling the Holidays

Memories are triggers and during the holidays these triggers are everywhere. A person has a figurative front row seat to the entire season being played out.

“Even watching a couple buying a tree can be a catalyst that stirs up longing or a memory,” Garber explains. “You go to the doctor and see holiday cards, hear a certain song while shopping or smell a certain scent. Gift exchanges, decorations, it’s everywhere.”

There are things one can do to make the holidays more manageable. Garber advises:

• Create a routine that includes self-care. This can include therapy.
• Revamp or edit the holidays. Giving yourself permission to create a personal version of the holidays can feel freeing.
• Prepare for questions around the loss. Writing down responses ahead of time gives a person an accessible response so they aren’t overwhelmed in the moment.
• Spend time with others and with yourself. Hobbies or volunteering may help.