Tips for putting a stop to sibling rivalry
For some children, summer vacation means brawls in the backseat of the car, screaming matches over toys, hair pulling and shouts of, “He started it!” But it doesn’t have to be that way. Just because kids have time on their hands doesn’t mean conflict has to escalate.
Sibling relationships can have a significant impact on child development, says Mark Feinberg, research professor with Penn State University’s Prevention Research Center for the Promotion of Human Development. Feinberg worked on the Siblings are Special program, a study that tested whether a curriculum developed for siblings and parents could help reduce sibling conflict.
“The research shows that children’s siblings impact their development, self-esteem, engagement in risky behaviors and ability to have good positive friendships, as well as romantic relationships throughout life,” Feinberg says.
Parents should be careful how they handle fights between siblings, says parent educator, former teacher and parent Joanna Faber, of Putnam Valley, N.Y.
When children are fighting, parents need to respond in a helpful manner.
“The first thing is to see if they need help,” she says. “The second thing is to not take sides—stay neutral and acknowledge each kid’s feelings. Third, put them in charge to figure out what choices they have and what they can do.”
Keep the peace this summer with tips and ideas for handling conflict.
Avoid the Blame Game
Parents often make the mistake of trying to figure out who is to blame, Faber says. But it’s best to not point fingers.
“There’s no gold at the end of that rainbow as soon as you take sides,” Faber says.
Take it Seriously
Although some fights may seem petty, it’s important to realize they are important to the children, Faber says.
“Their conflicts are just as important to them as our conflicts with a spouse or coworker are with us, and figuring out how to resolve those conflicts is the important and necessary work of their childhood. So, even though it’s exasperating to us, you have to give those problems respect,” she says.
Provide Stimulation
It’s important to keep kids busy during summer break, he says.
“We suspect that one of the reasons kids gets in fights a lot with a brother or sister is just pure boredom,” Feinberg says. “They will look for stimulation.
Getting into arguments or fights and provoking their siblings I wouldn’t say is great fun but at least it’s more stimulating than being bored.”
Faber recommends parents and their children check out the The Siblings’ Busy Book, which features ideas for fun activities that will keep kids stimulated and out of trouble.
It helps to encourage siblings to work together as a team, as well. That might mean working on a project together or playing a duet, for example. Spending time with each child individually may also help reduce sibling rivalry, Feinberg says.
Curb Competition
De-emphasizing competition between siblings also helps to cut back on fighting, Faber says.
For example, if you’re playing a board game, make it so there are first, second and third winners, rather than a winner and a loser. Or have children do an obstacle course and beat their own time rather than beating their siblings’ time.
“You can lecture all you want about not being a sore loser, but little kids can’t separate the idea of losing a game or being a loser,” Faber says. “Do yourself a favor and change the game.”