How to deal with an empty nest

Becoming an empty nester comes with its fair share of emotions: Pride, nervousness, hope and sadness. There was a time when you were counting your baby’s first steps. Now, you're watching your child stride into the adult world. While this change can be tough for parents, staying in touch is easier than ever. And there are ways to make the transition smoother.

Many parents fear the loss of an emotional connection with their children as they lose day-to-day contact, as well as a loss of sense of purpose, says empty nester Lisa Heffernan, author and cofounder of GrownAndFlown.com, a blog about parenting older teens and young adults.

“It’s a huge transition, almost as big a transition as when kids arrive,” Heffernan says. “It shakes the foundation of our lives.”

Although many parents worry about the change, it’s often not so bad, she says.

“The emotional connection is not severed in any way,” Heffernan says. “Communication changes. Most families make the transition seamlessly.”

Millennials are much more in touch than previous generations thanks to texting, email, Facebook messaging, Instagram, Snapchat, Facetime, Skype and other platforms.

“What happens is we have in our mind that it’s like when we went to college,” Heffernan says, adding that it’s not.

She has tips for making the most of parent visits with college kids: Unless you live far away, keep visits short. Take your kid to dinner with their roommate or out for ice cream and then leave, so they look forward to seeing you rather than dread long visits. Don’t expect them to entertain you, so find things to do on your own on campus. Listen to your grown children without trying to solve their problems for them. You can make subtle suggestions, but you can’t tell them what to do.

When it comes to the empty nest, there are many positives for parents, Heffernan says. Your house will likely be cleaner. You will have more freedom and time for a possible second career, a more vibrant social life and other life endeavors.

While hobbies are helpful, they don’t replace children, she says. Volunteering can actually be better because it offers connection with other people and a feeling of giving back. Finding a community of other parents online or in person can also go a long way. If you are still struggling with the transition, reach out to your spouse or best friends or seek professional help.

Parents are overwhelmingly proud of their children, says Christine Proulx, associate professor in Human Development and Family Science at the University of Missouri. She published research in 2008 about 300 parents whose children had left the home. While the decrease in contact and time together can be hard for some parents, Proulx says research shows that it can also be an exciting time for parents.

“The slight somberness of, quote unquote, loss of children to an empty nest is really outweighed by the joy and increased freedom,” Proulx says. “Many parents discussed how their role had changed from being parent to being a peer or mentor. Some used the word ‘friend.’”