Don’t let your buddy’s new love derail your friendship

Valentine’s Day is tough for unattached men, especially if your best bro is in a new relationship. No dude wants to feel like the third wheel while his friend makes goo-goo eyes at his girlfriend. But it can be equally challenging if you’re the one in a relationship. It’s a tricky dynamic, but it’s manageable. Start by putting yourself in your attached friend’s shoes.

“Remember that there has been or will come a time when you are in a relationship, as well, and you would want your friend to be cool with everything and not have a hard time,” says Natalie Vartanian, a certified life coach in Seal Beach, Calif. “Be that guy you would want your friend to be.”

Communication is the key to every relationship—friendship or marriage—so keep the lines open. If you’re trying to get your girlfriend and best friend to forge a bond, plan activities that encourage interaction. Maybe it’s a Super Bowl party, a pub trivia night, or a bowling league. But keep in mind that, just like love, the new bond will take time to form.

“Find ways of having events where everyone can get a chance to know each other better,” Vartanian says. “Don’t try and force them to get along. Just let it happen.”

When a best friend starts dating, it changes many aspects of the friendship. Time you spend together watching football or playing golf may be replaced for time with a new love. You’ll likely feel stubborn, angry or rejected. But it’s a natural emotional response to a loss, and it’s the first stage of grief.

You are likely glad for him, too, so don’t let your feelings of loss damage your friendship, says Heather Carlile, a relationship counselor in Richardson, Texas.

“Part of us is envious, a jealousy based on our own longings and desires,” Carlile says. “But when we see a friend experience something good, we are naturally happy about it. We may even want to help celebrate.”

Even if you have to fake it for a little while, just smile until you’re ready to accept the new person in your friend’s life. And make sure your friend knows how much you value your time together. Mostly, be patient.

“It will take time, so enjoy the adventure,” Carlile says. “Plan shared time, so everyone is on board and knows what to expect. You’ll be creating a new friendship system with fun, rather than clumsiness.”